21st November 2016 – I will always write the same thing on a Monday when I have had my son for the weekend. It is that horrible feeling that I know I won’t see the little fella again for a few days. Even typing this now I feel tearful. I feel tearful because I know none of this is my choice and the bond with my son has got stronger and stronger over the last few months. For now, it is him and I against the world (well for 50% of the time anyway). Nothing else really matters, nothing else is of motivation and if nothing else this shocking situation has given me 100% clarity on this.
I’ve a meeting in London today so will walk across Piccadilly to the Lunch appointment. Christmas is not a good time to be suffering this. Everywhere I look are things I would normally be smiling at or enjoying. Now I just want to curl up in to a ball and hide. I know I will do some of these things with my son. But it will 100% be for him as the pleasure for me will be lost in the sadness of my situation. I don’t want to constantly wallow in my own self-pity but this is how I feel. This is my mind-set and I feel the dip I am in gathering momentum. On the trip home I text friends to organise my week and to limit the downtime. As ever they respond brilliantly. But I am still faced with my own demons and only I can deal with these.
Back home I take a quick conference call and join a friend of mine who has been doing a bit of painting work for me and is helping decorate the spare room so I can get it ready to be used by my parents and the main bedroom on the top floor can be rented out (or so I hope). With two of us it doesn’t take long to get a coat of paint on the walls and we down tools and go for a nice run along the river. It has been raining and as we climb the steps across the bridge over the river I land in a puddle. I hear the outburst ‘What you doing Bruv’, followed by a string of expletives. I’m afraid, whoever this guy is, he picked the wrong day to do this. I snap back. I’m sorry but please don’t talk to me like that and please don’t swear as there are kids present…….. But I’m up on my toes and the anger inside me is visible! This isn’t me but it is me! This isn’t something to be proud of but I know that this guy is getting everything built up inside me with both barrels and he soon backs down and slopes off!
Back home and it is dinner of Chicken, Pasta and Spinach and we talk away the evening until it is time for my friend to go. I’ve spent so much more time with friends over the last few months and they are starting to help fill some of the void left behind. But they can only pick up so much and they have their own lives and challenges and I realise my blog posts over the last few days need to really focus on what I am doing, the process and the mind-set to get on. They are starting to become a diary of what is happening to me and this process was never about turning myself in to a victim. It was about finding a positive way out and learning about myself and improving myself along the way.
I need to get back to growing the mindset to get on. I need to focus on the process of becoming the best man I can be and the best Dad I can be. It is about playing the cards I have been dealt in the best possible way and I know that this is a mental battle as much as anything.