29th November 2016 – This process wouldn’t be a thorough process without some real time spent reflecting on why I am where I am. Right now though, I am really struggling to think about anything other than what I must have done wrong and what this now means for my poor little boy. I am stuck in a loop thinking about everything I could have done better and why I didn’t do just that. Why didn’t I leave work on the dot of 5pm every day to race home and pick my little boy up? Or at least why didn’t I do this more often than I did? Why didn’t I arrange more weekends away for the family rather than doing the DIY on the house over the weekend or going out on my bike? Should I just have got a painter in rather than trying to save money? Why wasn’t I more spontaneous with my wife and why didn’t I spoil her more when I feel so strongly about my family! The truth is there are so many things I could have done better if I look hard at myself. I can see this clearly. But there are also so many things I think I have also done very well. The reality, right now though is that I can only really focus on the negatives and the sense of loss and despite so many of my friends pointing out all the positives in me I really don’t feel any of these right now. I just feel a failure who has let everybody down! I just feel like everything I’ve worked for so the family could climb the property ladder and build a career is now all a waste of time.
I don’t want this to sound like I’m wallowing in my own self pity. I’m desperately trying not to. I just want to be honest about how I feel. This whole thing has knocked me completely sideways. It is like I have been ambushed or been involved in a plane crash and I’m lying in the rubble wondering how I got in to this mess? How could I possibly be where I am? As I pick my way through the wreckage I see little pieces, little fragments, but I still can’t really understand why all of this happened? Where was the catastrophic failure that led to this disaster?
The reality is that as interesting as this analysis is there is nothing that I can change right now and so it just becomes a lesson in self awareness. This, therefore, is still important. But it has to be seen as something for me rather than anything that will change the future direction of things.
I’d be interested in the perspectives of other people who have gone through this and or people who have come out the other side, or not? I wonder?……..