1st January 2017 – I can’t help being in reflective mood again today. It has been days since I’ve seen my little boy and this time hangs heavy when all around me my friends are spending time with their kids. (Loss =’the feeling of grief after losing someone or something of value’). Just because of my sense of loss I really don’t begrudge anyone their enjoyment at this time either! I just know that judging by the amount I am hurting I do really want to make sure the times I am without family are few and far between. I do want to bounce back from this point. I start the day with a walk in the countryside. It is great to get out and get some fresh air and the conversation is positive, about plans going forward rather than focusing on looking back. One phrase that sticks in my mind from the morning is ‘bad things happen to good people’. I guess that is just it? Sometimes in life ‘Lady Luck’ just deals you a really rotten hand! Despite everything you have been doing and however hard you think you have been striving, things do come along that really test you and this is definitely my test! While my 2016 worries started in one place, work/schools/houses. They definitely finished in another and indeed in a place that I never, ever, imagined.

This afternoon I have a catch up and New Years dinner with some friends of mine and I am again grateful that friends have rallied around to make sure I have company and can share in the love of their New Year celebrations. The food is amazing and the company and care which my friends provide gets me through this difficult day. We do touch on New Year Resolutions. But there isn’t a lot I can focus on that I’m not already doing as part of this rebuild process. I already have a focus on clean living, mindfulness, family, friends. I am already trying to do everything I can to be the best man and the best daddy I can be and we all conclude that there isn’t a lot more I can do other than keep going and do my best. I don’t really want to head home come the evening and thankfully it doesn’t feel as if I have overstayed my welcome when we settle in to watch Sherlock. This is the first bit of TV I have sat down and watched properly for months. The script is good and the action fast paced even if some of the content is a little too close to home.

The end of Sherlock signals the return home. One thing I hope will improve in 2017 is the enjoyment of being at home. But tonight isn’t that night and the dawn of the New Year contains hope, but also many of the same mental challenges still…………..


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