24th May 2017 – It was an early start for me today to make a conference call with Tokyo this morning. Summer is truly here in London and my ride in to work as beautiful as ever. This has been the toughest year of my life so far, no exceptions! But I’m starting to realize that you have to hit Rock Bottom to truly make a change and work out what is really important to you in your life! All I can think about right now is getting home to see my little boy. All of my focus is on what I am going to do when I’m with him. The days and nights of rumination, over and over again have all dragged me to this point.
That isn’t to say that he or my wife were ever far from my thoughts before. My purpose in life was always built around doing the best for my family but the balance, all too easily, could tip in favor of an early meeting, a late conference call or an extra email. My sense of self and the feeling of responsibility for the job I was doing meant that during my holidays I was always on call, always ready to accept a phone call and I enjoyed the buzz I got from it. But it was also what was expected of me in my role. I was doing what people do?! My work was providing my sense of achievement. This is true for so many of us. Society celebrates those who ‘Excel’. We are encouraged to ‘Rise to the Top’. It becomes a competition and I’ve always been ultra competitive! I know this….. It is in my DNA.
But the focus is shifting for me. This year in my own personal wilderness is forcing me to rethink things. I am now finding a sense of achievement from seeing my son conquer a Tricky Word or write a number correctly without mirroring and the more I focus on Fatherhood the more I get from it. It is all about balance and this blog has forced me to focus my mind. I am 100% clear that at the moment I’d happily become a stay at home dad who works. I’d happily be the guy who can handle both but wants to excel at being a good daddy!
The realization is that we can’t have everything. We think we can. But we are kidding ourselves. Or maybe the realization is that I can’t have everything. There are only so many hours in the day. We only have so much energy and we need to distribute it wisely and make sure that those we love appreciate why and to what end those choices are being made.
Right now I know my son appreciates most of all my time. Quality time spent teaching him new things and feeding his mind body and soul.