Friday 26th May 2017 – Some days it is really hard not to be bitter and down about life. Today is just turning in to one of those days! I think some of it is just tiredness on my part. I’m trying so hard to be an Uber dad on the days I have my little boy. But this also means that things are pretty full on and when combined with work and variable sleep things can still spiral down. It is unfortunate that I’ve let things creep up on me today. It is a beautiful sunny day again and I have my little boy for the whole weekend. However, I can’t deny my feelings today and that is that.
I try to focus on work as much as I can setting myself an objective for the day that if completed means I will allow myself to knock off early and go and pop to the gym before heading to the school to get my son for the weekend. As ever, the big danger becomes getting stuck in a mind loop of Self Blame and Frustration. I’ve been really good recently at avoiding the temptation to constantly surf the Internet looking for answers or letting my mind drift off in to a cycle of rationalization that invariably leads to unsatisfactory conclusions. But for some reason I can’t help myself today and the motivation of a few days ago seems to have left my body for now.
Part of the frustration, I realize, is also being caused by work. I need work to be a distraction at the moment. I’d like work to occupy my mind and rather ‘inconveniently’ there are more and more delays starting to creep in to the program that I am working on. These blockages are slowing things up and although I’m very grateful for the freedom I have at the moment to focus on the time with my son and rebuilding my life. Today would be a lot easier if I had the stress of a deadline, the interactions of being in a meeting or around other people, the voice of a boss or a mentor to ask me questions or ask for something to be done. Anything to keep my mind out of Google and on to something productive.
I do have one joy at the end of the day though and that is going to pick up my little boy. I have the whole weekend with him and as soon as I am with him again things are so much easier. We spend the evening tidying up the garden ready for the weekend. What started as a tough day mentally has ended in a happy place.