Tuesday 30th May 2017 – I was fully expecting my emotions to crash down a little today. They always do after a few days with my little boy. But the sun is out again and my early morning ride in to work is a happy one. I know I need to focus on building new bubbles for the days I am on my own but I end up spending so much energy on the days I have my little boy that life the becomes about just keeping myself afloat for a day or so after that. I do, however, manage to arrange to meet up with a friend for a weights session and even better he also offers me food for the evening.

As I sit drinking a glass of wine and catching up with my friend the usual wave of sadness starts to roll back in. His daughter pops downstairs. She is now in her teenage years and happier to spend her time up in her bedroom than sitting down with her parents. My friend is already noticing that his role as a dad is starting to change and a lot of the hard work is already done. I sit down at the table and look at some of the exam questions she has been revising. The math questions are a chance for me to try and remember my rudimentary mathematics and I realize how long ago it was since I looked at a quadratic equation or tried to calculate the angles of a triangle. All I can think about is the times I spent on the Kitchen table with my dad and how much he helped me to become the man I am today. I think about my little boy and I think about how much I want to do these things with him. Some times I think all this soul searching is just beating myself up and forcing me to get stuck. But it is also a chance for me to consider what is important to me in my life. If I am to come out the other side of this year a better person I really want to know the steps I need to take going forward.

Getting through these alone days is tough, gutty work. But this is the process, it is my process and with each day I grow stronger and better equipped to be the best man I can be. Back to the house and I’m physically and mentally exhausted. Bed comes easily today………………


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